Parenting is impossible right now, but maybe the kids will be okay if you get every critical decision right. Do you have what it takes? Take this quiz to find out!
Scenario 1: School time! To decide what to do with your kids, you need to check CDC recommendations, monitor local hospitalization rates, and consult your yoga teacher’s tarot cards. Don’t forget to screen all advice for political bias. You can…
A. Do virtual learning “to see how it goes”
This seems like the safest choice right now. Things like “time” and “space” and “your job” are irrelevant now. There is only Zoom. Don’t worry that your kids are on screens four times longer than what’s recommended. Also, brush up on sixth grade math before the year starts.
B. Cross your fingers, and send your kids to in-person school
So you’re cool with putting your kids’ lives — as well as those of their teachers — at risk. No judgment. It just kinda shows who you are as a person, you know? Good luck!
C. Homeschool your kids (if you’re entitled)
Whoops, you went with the most problematic choice of all! By choosing to homeschool, you set feminism back 50 years while promoting racial inequality by destroying public education. Yikes!
Scenario 2: Time to eat! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner may be the official meals, but in pandemic math that adds up to preparing 384 meals each day. Do you say…
A. Those meal delivery kits look fun!
Your kids won’t have a college fund anymore, but what’s money when you can spend hours together preparing food no one will eat?
B. Fuck it, let them eat what they want
The little tykes deserve a nice slice of pizza and a scoop (or two) (or five) of their favorite ice cream. Don’t give “childhood obesity” or “juvenile diabetes” another thought. The threat of diabetes can’t ruin your good time…for now, anyway.
C. Get some vegetables up in these kids’ asses!
Knowing how important nutrition is to growth and development, you fill your kids’ plates with leafy greens, whole grains, and a lean protein. The only problem is no one here likes that shit, and now the hangry five-year-old is screaming about “sugar poofies” from on top of the dining room table. Maybe add some ketchup?
Scenario 3: Oopsies! Your childless boss needed that monthly report, like, yesterday, so you’ve got to get some work done. But what will you do with the kids for the next eight hours?
A. Ask your partner to “babysit” his own goddamn kids
You are blessed with a partner who is hands-on and committed to sharing the childcare. He’ll be happy to take over right after you show him where the snacks are. And the first aid kit. Also, what are these kids’ names?
B. Let the kids babysit themselves
Did Laura Ingalls Wilder have TikTok out on the prairie? Of course not! She made her own fun, and so can these assholes. Just explain “work” to your kids, firmly stating that you are not to be disturbed until 5 p.m. Then explain it again 7 minutes later, a bit more firmly. And again, even firmer, after another 3 minutes.
C. Bring on the screen as babysitter
Screen Babysitter charges 20 cents an hour, doesn’t have to be driven home, and won’t be caught making out with her boyfriend on the couch. But is that a pedophile grooming your kids on that online game you thought you’d set the parental controls to? Better work fast, Mom!
Scenario 4: The kids are looking a little depressed. How about arranging something fun for them? Do you…
A. Set up a playdate
You found a spacious park, double-checked everyone’s mask, and confirmed with the other kids’ mom. But what’s that? Torrential rainfall and hurricane-force winds! Probably just as well. Studies also show murder hornets are attracted to children’s laughter.
B. Have a family movie night
Break out the popcorn, and choose a family favorite everyone will enjoy. Oh, not that movie. Or that one. Never mind, everyone is back on their phones.
C. FaceTime a grandparent
Nothing like some intergenerational bonding to lift the spirits! Uh oh, your mother-in-law is “educating” your son on George Soros. Quick, disconnect the internet before the conversation turns to QAnon conspiracy theories!
So how’d you do? Turns out, whether you got mostly As, Bs, or Cs, you didn’t fare so well, but don’t beat yourself up. You did the best you could. Most likely no permanent damage was done, no matter what your kids’ future therapist says. Anyway, this was your first pandemic. You’ll do better the next time.