Mommy dearest 2.0

This past week I attended the Mom 2.0 Summit here in Austin. It’s this whole shindig where you’re supposed to schmooze with companies and talk about marketing, sponsorships, and other influencer type things. (Also, can we talk about how much I hate the word ‘influencer’?). Not really my scene, but there actually were some people I wanted to meet, and it was a rare opportunity to hang out (drink) with my online writer friends. 

So if you’ve been following my Facebook page, you know my 4-year-old was hospitalized like the day before this whole thing went down. It was super scary, but we found out pretty quickly she was okay and would be released the next day. Whew. And also, thank god because I had blown like half a mortgage payment on this conference ticket. 

The day of the conference, my husband and I were waiting around all day for our daughter to be released from the hospital. She, feeling better now, was jumping around the room, determined to pad the hospital bill by a few thousand dollars more, just for funsies. And the whole time I was watching the clock because the session I really wanted to attend was starting soon.

Finally my husband said “Just go to the thing. I’ll wait with her and we’ll see you at home later.” And I was all “No no no, I could never!” but at the same time I was like “PRAISE THE LORD!!”. I Ubered straight from the children’s hospital to the fancy new hotel downtown, feeling guilty the whole way. I had actually left my daughter like this:

But it felt like I’d left her like this.

Hank, my driver said he understood, touting the merits of equal-partnership marriages, self care, and ending with a rousing “You do you, girl!!”.

Or he said none of that and gave me major rear view mirror side eye.

Hank and me. Basically.

I finally rolled up to the conference rocking my unwashed, greasy hair, Harry Potter T-shirt, and I-slept-in-a-hospital-last-night eye bags, while the other attendees were…well, decidedly more Instagram-ready. Here’s the actual footage from the hotel surveillance cameras. 



Then came the concerned questions about my daughter from my friends and assorted horrified strangers. “She’s fine!! She’s waiting in the hospital to be discharged!!” I yelled on the way to Podcasting 101, neglecting to add the important detail of my husband being with her. I’m pretty sure I heard them calling CPS behind me.

The conference was great. I learned a lot, caught up with old friends, and made a valiant attempt at schmoozing, which mostly consisted of me apologizing and telling everyone I was funnier on paper. I even took these awkward pictures with my idol, Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess

The last night of Mom 2.0 is dedicated to the Iris Awards- an event that serves as a good excuse for everyone to get all gussied up. By this point I was in the middle of a full-blown introvert hangover, with a dash of wounded pride and sore feet after having lost my car earlier that day. I managed to rally, getting as gussied up as a tired ass middle-aged mom of three can get, and started heading to the door. That’s when the four-year-old lost it. And I do mean LOST. IT. 

Little known fact: The Hulk is actually just a hangry preschooler.

Finally, I decided it was time to throw in the towel and throw on my sweatpants. This kid needed me. The other two were around here somewhere and they probably needed me, too. The fancy awards show would have to wait a year or two. I plopped down on the couch with everyone, feeling my heart swell with love and affection for my kids. Then I posted a humble brag on Facebook, like ya do.

My kids repaid my selflessness by acting like complete jerks all night.

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