Hi, kids! I’m Pistol Pete, the new mascot here at Sunnyside Elementary. I may look like a scary semi-automatic weapon, but don’t worry, I’m here to keep you safe and sound! Sure, it feels strange seeing a gun in your school—that used to be a no-no! But we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other since district policy now requires me to be carried by your teachers, principal, cafeteria workers, janitors, and a variety of community volunteers.
Like, oh roughly, 99% of the country right now, I’ve jumped on the Marie Kondo bandwagon. Actually that’s a lie. I haven’t watched a single episode, but I caught the gist from the preview on my way to watch Lady Dynamite.
Anyhoo, the important thing is I’ve made a life-altering decision based on a 30 second clip and the siren song of the latest trend sweeping its way through cluttered homes everywhere: I’m about to Marie Kondo my life. I’m serious, if something isn’t sparking immediate joy, that ish is on its way to the proverbial Goodwill.
Let’s face it: clickbait headlines are everywhere these days. Much like a virus, they’re unavoidable, they’re sneaky, and they leave you feeling icky inside. Imagine then, if you will, if some of history’s most famous “headlines” had been written as clickbait.
I imagine you must be feeling a little nervous after having been released from jail today. And with good reason; you served only half of a sentence that already fell woefully short of what any decent person would consider acceptable after the truly reprehensible crime you committed. Others have served longer literally for shoplifting hot dogs.