QUIZ: Can You Ace Pandemic Parenting?

Parenting is impossible right now, but maybe the kids will be okay if you get every critical decision right. Do you have what it takes? Take this quiz to find out!

Scenario 1: School time! To decide what to do with your kids, you need to check CDC recommendations, monitor local hospitalization rates, and consult your yoga teacher’s tarot cards. Don’t forget to screen all advice for political bias. You can…

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Middle school hunger games

I’d like to paint a little picture for you of how I “chose” my middle school, or junior high as it was called in my hometown.

My siblings and I piled into our 1990 red Suburban one warm August morning. My lips were frosted to pink perfection, I was 25 years ahead of the VSCO trend with my new hair Scrunchie, and my mom was on the verge of an aneurysm because we were already 10 minutes late. (Some things never change). We dropped my little sister off at the neighborhood elementary school, drove 5 minutes up the road to my new junior high school, I got out, and that was it.

Finito. Done. School chosen.

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An Important Message from Pistol Pete, Your Kid’s New School Mascot

This piece originally appeared on MockMom.

Hi, kids! I’m Pistol Pete, the new mascot here at Sunnyside Elementary. I may look like a scary semi-automatic weapon, but don’t worry, I’m here to keep you safe and sound! Sure, it feels strange seeing a gun in your school—that used to be a no-no! But we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other since district policy now requires me to be carried by your teachers, principal, cafeteria workers, janitors, and a variety of community volunteers.

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I’m about to Marie Kondo my life

Like, oh roughly, 99% of the country right now, I’ve jumped on the Marie Kondo bandwagon. Actually that’s a lie. I haven’t watched a single episode, but I caught the gist from the preview on my way to watch Lady Dynamite.

Anyhoo, the important thing is I’ve made a life-altering decision based on a 30 second clip and the siren song of the latest trend sweeping its way through cluttered homes everywhere: I’m about to Marie Kondo my life. I’m serious, if something isn’t sparking immediate joy, that ish is on its way to the proverbial Goodwill.

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How Brock Turner Can Stay Safe Now That He’s Free

Dear Brock Turner,

I imagine you must be feeling a little nervous after having been released from jail today. And with good reason; you served only half of a sentence that already fell woefully short of what any decent person would consider acceptable after the truly reprehensible crime you committed. Others have served longer literally for shoplifting hot dogs.

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