10 things I never want to hear again

Look, I’m feeling salty, so I’m just going to jump right in by giving you a running list of things I never want to hear again:

1. Commercials with soft piano background music and a concerned™ narrator 
“In these unprecedented times,” “now more than ever,” “we’re in this together”- all those phrases can take a hike.
 
2. White House coronavirus press briefings
No explanation needed.
 
3. My daughter asking if we can get a dog
I said “I’ll think about it.” If after 11 years on this earth you still haven’t figured out that’s Mom for “no,” I don’t know what to tell you.
 
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How Brock Turner Can Stay Safe Now That He’s Free

Dear Brock Turner,

I imagine you must be feeling a little nervous after having been released from jail today. And with good reason; you served only half of a sentence that already fell woefully short of what any decent person would consider acceptable after the truly reprehensible crime you committed. Others have served longer literally for shoplifting hot dogs.

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