This piece originally appeared on MockMom.
Hi, kids! I’m Pistol Pete, the new mascot here at Sunnyside Elementary. I may look like a scary semi-automatic weapon, but don’t worry, I’m here to keep you safe and sound! Sure, it feels strange seeing a gun in your school—that used to be a no-no! But we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other since district policy now requires me to be carried by your teachers, principal, cafeteria workers, janitors, and a variety of community volunteers.
Confused? Let me help you out. See, sometimes bad guys get ahold of military-grade weapons never meant for civilian use and go kinda nutzo. In fact, those maniacs are popping up more and more these days, and in all sorts of places like, say, your school. So in case one of those whack jobs shows up here at Sunnyside, we want to be prepared.
That’s where your ol’ pal Petey comes in! What’s that, Billy? We should just ban those weapons? Well that’s a nice thought, Billy, but everybody knows that criminals will just find another way to kill if they really want to. I mean, if I weren’t a gun I could still take you down in any number of ways, son. I could strangle you with your shoelaces, stab you with a butter knife; hell, even a soup spoon would get the job done if I held it right. Do you wanna outlaw soup spoons, Billy? Of course not; see how ridiculous that sounds? Now, back to getting rid of our gun problem by using more guns…
Oh, look who’s here. It’s my friend Shotgun Sally! Your grandmotherly kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Wells, is going to help me introduce Sally to you all. Now don’t worry, Mrs. Wells, nothing to be afraid of if you completed your mandatory Level 1 Armed Educator training. A few weeks of having Sally next to you at storytime and you’ll wonder how you ever made it 35 years teaching without her.
Now see, kids? Doesn’t Mrs. Wells look cool up here holding Sally, even if she is visibly trembling? Don’t you feel safer knowing that she could whip that sucker out at any given moment? Makes you think twice about cutting in line, doesn’t it? Just a little joke there, kids! Mrs. Wells knows she can only use Sally in “extreme discipline situations,” as vaguely stated by our state’s new Stand Up For Your Students law.
I know all of this is a little overwhelming, but just remember that there was no other solution to a problem that literally only exists in this country. You’d think we could’ve just learned why no one else on Earth has the number of mass shootings we do, but that’d be like comparing apples to oranges.
Hey, Pistol Pete doesn’t like this any more than you do, but the important thing is that all your daddies still get to play G.I. Joe at the shooting range on the weekends. You’ll learn more about some of the new amenities at Sunnyside, like the playground sniper tower, the barbed wire perimeter fence, and the bulletproof library books at Freedom Camp later this week.
They’ll also be teaching you fun games like “30 Kids in a Supply Closet,” “Good Gun, Bad Guy,” and “Pin The Bullet on the Psycho.” Until then, enjoy your Pistol Pete-shaped fidget spinners and coloring books.
Oh, and make sure and check out our new banner out front, designating us as a certified MSS, Maximum Security School. It’s even got our catchy new slogan on it: “Freeze, punk!”
So long, kids, and remember – Pistol Pete makes bad guys take a seat!