10 things I never want to hear again

Look, I’m feeling salty, so I’m just going to jump right in by giving you a running list of things I never want to hear again:

1. Commercials with soft piano background music and a concerned™ narrator 
“In these unprecedented times,” “now more than ever,” “we’re in this together”- all those phrases can take a hike.
2. White House coronavirus press briefings
No explanation needed.
3. My daughter asking if we can get a dog
I said “I’ll think about it.” If after 11 years on this earth you still haven’t figured out that’s Mom for “no,” I don’t know what to tell you.

4. My other daughter asking for snacks
You’re the 3rd kid, alright? It’s the actual law that you are scrappy and get by on whatever you can scrounge up yourself. You know where the Goldfish are, so why do you insist on me getting them for you the very second I sit down to rage scroll Facebook? 

5. My son asking me to rank basketball players
If you mean actual basketball players as opposed to dancers playing basketball players in a West Side Story revival, I can’t help you, buddy. I can name Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, and Fast Feet McGee. I don’t know who the rest of these people are, and I’m okay with that. Why aren’t you???

6. My kids asking for entertainment
You have TV shows, movies, games, books, communication, educational tools, enrichment opportunities, and the literal Library of fracking Congress at your fingertips. I had a busted garden hose and a mom who locked me outside with my siblings all day. Figure it out.

7. Let’s just go ahead and expand this to a general “My kids asking ____.”
If they could just…not, that’d be great.

8. 6 feet apart/ social distancing
Let’s throw in “not social distancing, physical distancing!” while we’re at it.

9. “We ____ with our friends last week- socially distanced of course!”
This is like saying “with our clothes on, of course!” at this point. We know. Superfluous. Keep it moving.

10. All forms of ‘zoom’ and ‘virtual’
*Zoom as a verb (“We Zoomed last night” sounds like it’s against CDC recommendations, or at the very least unhygienic.)
*Zoom as a destination (“Let’s jump on a Zoom!” Let’s not.)
*Zoom as a descriptor (“Zoom happy hour” is really just you getting drunk in front of your computer. I’m not judging, I just want to cut the shit.)

All kidding aside, this shit is so damned hard, y’all. Hang in there. Keep smiling. Keep laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Reach out to help someone else if you are able. Reach out for help if you need it. We got this.

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